it's never over.

Thanks for the comments on the last post. The reason it started it out like it did was because I was confronted about making excuses. This person decided that they couldn't talk to me anymore because I was "making excuses," in other words I was lying. I never thought of making excuses as lying, and I still don't, it was just a thought. When you get tired of being around someone how do you tell them? This happens to me a lot, I need breaks from people, everyone does. I make excuses instead of telling them right to their face that they are starting to get a little too frustrating. Enough about making excuses. It's New Years Eve, and I'm alone even though I'm surrounded by people. My mom and dad hate each other, and I'm sick of being their messanger. I can't devote my time to figuring out what is going to make my mom and my dad happy, and i'm sick of doing it. If I want to do something with my dad my mom has plans, even if i'm not involved in them, it is still going to ruin her day. If I want to go hang out with my dad, he's watching football. He claims that he never gets to see me, but when he does we don't do anything, we don't talk, he just watches tv. I can't have two sets of parents anymore. They don't listen to me when I try and talk to them. My mom gives me advice, advice, advice and all I want her to do is listen, and I'm never right, I could have always done something better. My dad is always right, and only has his way of doing things, and if i'm not aligned with his plans, then i'm wrong. Why can't they realize what they are doing to my brother and I by acting like this? It's hard for me to even explain everything that goes on between the four of us. One mistake gets lost in another and that mistake gets lost in another and so on until it's gone. It's been like that since they divorced, I think I was five and Dusty was three. I'm just ready to let go of it all, finally, but I don't think that I'll ever be able to, it's going to be like this for the rest of our lives, and I don't think anyone else sees the problem, and it's hard to tell someone when they don't listen. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. Feeling guilty my entire life has turned me into a person I don't want to be, a person who slomps around doing stuff for other people, or thinking about doing stuff for other people because I don't want to feel bad for not doing it. I want to do things for other people because I want to, not because I'll feel shitty if I don't.

I think another reason that I don't really like talking is because I have a hard time explaining things. If I'm trying to explain something to you, like the plot of a movie, it might take me half an hour because of the detail I put into it, i'll have to stop during the middle of the explaination and remind myself what i'm talking about, but I'll eventually get it done. What's worse is trying to explain something that I'm thinking about, I just can't get it through my head and out my mouth, and this frustrates people. What also frustrates people is that I AM a listener, not a talker.

Photography makes me much more happy then painting ever did. I have a few ideas for paintings, but when I start working on them nothing comes out right, nothing looks like I imagined it would. I was never an art teacher, and I'm glad that I figured that out when I did. Photography gives me so many more ideas than I ever thought it would. I'll thank myspace for getting me into photography. I wanted an easier way of transfering my pictures, I thought digital would be much more easier for me to get pictures online, on myspace, on my blog, so my mom bought me one for christmas, thank you myspace. All I want to do is take photos, and dance, and sing, and make movies and watch movies, and write. I got an offer to go train for wrestling, and I still haven't decided what to do. It's what I've always wanted to do, so why am I having second thoughts? I know I could do it. I think that I just don't want to be away from home.