it's never over.

"if you lie you don't deserve to have friends"
is making excuses lying? I always thought that my making excuses was a way of not hurting you as bad as I would by saying "oh hey, I don't want to hang out with you right now" directly to your face. I'll hang out with you when I want to hang out with you, otherwise I like to be alone, with my family/pets or with the couple close friends I have. I don't answer my phone, and I refuse to call you back. I woke up feeling icky, then went to work and cut alfalfa, which didn't make me feel better because of the allergies I have towards it. Everyone else goes to the same job even though they think the boss is a complete nut job and that the work place would be a much more enjoyable experience without him there, people stick through it, don't be such an asshole. I feel like an asshole, like a conceited asshole, but i'm not. When conversation is directed towards me I quickly direct it towards someone else, I'll say "thank you" and not say another word. "Oh I really like that hair color on you." 'Thank you.' and that's all. I don't talk about myself, make others talk about me, and i'm generally a pretty nice person, i'll pick you up something when you need it to be picked up, i'll drop off your mail for you, sure i'll go to the mall and exchange that gift for you. I'll do it with a smile but there will be a fire inside me the entire time. So why do I always feel like such an asshole? ....... Because I like to spend so much time alone my friends are starting to fizzle away. My mom told me to stop ignoring everything and to start talking. Ignoring everything is my way of dealing with it, and by ignoring it, everything seems to work out fine, if I get frustrated enough, i'll cry, then I'll talk to you about it, maybe it isn't the right way to go about things, maybe there isn't a right way, everyone does it differently, so be patient. The friends I have are really the only reason I ever leave my room. "Hey you wanna go bowling?" 'Ehh, sure.' Even though I don't really want to, I don't want to disapoint you, but when the game starts going, i'm having the most fun that i've had in a long time. Sometimes I'll have the impulse to do something but usually go at it alone because I don't want to disturb whatever you're doing. Anthony goes back home tomorrow and sees Chris tomorrow, he wasn't really here to begin with, his heart was still in Minnesota. I was going to go say goodbye after work, but after having to go to the mall to exchange a gift for my grandpa, and still feeling sick, I didn't have the motivation to drive another half hour to Viroqua to give him a quick goodbye at the pool, sorry Anth, i'm an asshole. You're leaving and I didn't even come to say goodbye. I went through papers in my room and threw away all stupid high school memories. They're gone, ashes now in the burn barrel. I don't remember much from my entire life, and part of it is now gone, like i'm trying to erase my history, and start over again, even though that start isn't looking so good, i'm glad it's there. This is the first year in four or five years that I havn't remembered your birthday, finally. It was a long time coming. I still feel stupid for calling you for two weeks after that sunday night you didn't return my call, and I wish I could take it back, but oh well, it happened, maybe in a few more years I'll fully get over it. If pepole stopped making feel like a complete dumbass maybe I would talk a little bit more, maybe not. That's one of the reasons that I try not talk so much, i'm always corrected, always, I could be talking about The Last Unicorn and someone who hasn't even seen the movie would correct me. fuck off. I'm sick of corrections and i'm sick of puppy love and hearing about everyones boyfriends/girlfriends. I try not to talk about Patrick anymore, I really respect the guy, but no one wants to hear me talk about his new glasses or that one album he produced. No one cares, no one really cares, that's why I stick to myself, and maybe a couple other people. I'm wondering what will happen when my run with cal/west will be over, and i'm wondering what will happen when home isn't going to be home anymore. I'm waiting for those days to come.