it's never over.

So it's been awhile.

A love like that of Bella and Edwards is something you only come across in books and movies, something you would only daydream about, that's why it's in the fiction section. I thought I had that once, I really thought I had that, but it vanished as soon as it had grown. I can't wait to have it again, if it will ever happen again. I don't know when it's going to happen, how long it's going to take, but I know how I want it to feel. I wish it was here now. Sometimes lonliness just really hurts, it's easy to distract yourself and tell yourself that you're fine and happy with how things are, when really you know and understand that you're missing something, and you don't know when or even if that missing piece will find you or you will find it, you just wait and watch and hope. Friends are wonderful and a great distraction, but they hold a different kind of feeling, one that can't fill this piece. I never usually try to bring this up, either in online journal entires or in real life but I'm just trying to be more truthful to myself. I really can't keep these things inside forever. I guess I'm just embarrassed to talk to about it since it's a side that I normally try to keep to myself, and will probably continue to keep to myself.
Kristin Stewart will get to play the role that I want to be in now, I'll live through her while I continue to wait.

In other news:

Winter break is moving along wonderfully. I haven't seen any of my friends yet, tomorrow maybe? Christmas was fun. I think I've only been to work two and a half days so far. The holiday kind of screwed things up, then early Thursday morning at about 2:30 a.m. I woke up with horrible pains on my sides, I walked around trying to stretch it out then ended throwing up in the sink about fifteen minutes later, which was really unexpected because I've never felt that way before puking before. Then I threw up again at four, then again at five, then again at eight. That was the least embarrassing of it all...So I ended up not going to work on Thursday or Friday because of illness, which my whole family ended up getting. Someone must have spread something around on Christams, and it just caught up to us all on Thursday. My mom, brother, aunt, cousin, grandpa and I all got incredibley sick that Thursday. Now my other aunt, two cousins and uncle all have strep throat, so we'll see where this goes...

Otherwise..
Work is going well, I forgot how boring and tedious polycrossing and cross-ons actually are, but I think things are fine. It's nice to be back, it feels like home, it will be a sad day when I have to leave it forever, which will probably be next winter, I don't know what I'll do, find another place to hang my hat I 'spose. I just hate starting over.


.......
Next Day

I'm listening to The Spill Canvas, and wondering how Nick almost always ends up making me feel better and worse at the same time. I thought I needed him to help me get these words out, we'll see how it goes, so far I can't stop typing. I had to write, I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know what I'm going to say, or how I'm going to say it, but I can't get this book out of my mind.

I didn't find Edward today, I thought I might have, but it was just a joke I played on myself again, I should know myself better than that. I couldn't concentrate on the ride home from the store, I just watched the snow glistening to the left and right of us as the headlights smoothly traced the untouched surface which had dampened the sleeves of my coat earlier that afternoon. I wasn't sure how to handle the emotions that had been wanting to escape me ever since I had turned the last page of the book I had only been reading for a couple of days. The content, the emotion, the love, everything that book was, I wanted in my life, but I knew I could never have it. As we pulled into the driveway, I lost my thoughts as the ignition turned off and the door opened and a heavy, chilling wind blew threw my jacket. As we carried the groceries in and started unpacking them on the counter the corner of my eyes caught objects I associated with the book, names of products, cereal boxes, and my mind turned immediately back to the emotions that had been jumping across my insides during the icy ride home. While we had been shopping I had kept any eye out for pale skin. Every second I had wished and hoped a soft, gentle voice would question "Bella?" as the icy brush of a hand would leave my own warm as I turned around to yell "Edward!" We would embrace, and I would know right then that I had found the missing piece. The only thing about this scenerio, besides being completley unrealistice in my case, was the silly fact that Bella wasn't even my name. I was starting to imagine a world where I had become someone else completley, and I knew that that kind of thinking was not going to lend a hand and pull me up from the emotions I was was drowning in.