" But I get carried away with every day and every fantasy. The deeper the wound the harder I swoon and wish that that was me. With so much to say but no words to convy the lonliness building with each passing day, but I'm getting used to it. You have to get used to it."
The day has started off far better than yesterday. I put the book behind me concentrating on my work instead. My fall will come right after work as I rush to the bookstore looking for the next two books. My eyes will widen as I pick them up, examining their covers, my hands will slid gently down the front, the glossy texture against my skin, I wont believe it is real. I'll have to wait to get home before I turn and crease the cover, but I know that when I do, that sinking feeling will come over me again, and reality will be washed away as I drown in emotion. When the covers close I will resurface into a world where lonliness overtakes me as I constantly search for that pale skin. While the book is in my hands, my eyes darting across each page, my fingers ready to flip as soon as my eye meets that last word, I am happy. My world is the book. The pages close and I want nothing more than for that world that was inside that book to continue spining as soon as that book is closed, and it never does. I'm not Bella: beautiful, unique, and smart, and there will never be an Edward. I will continue searching, but he will never appear.
Being at work has done an amazing job at keeping my wandering mind from straying too far off the path into fantasy. But sometimes it slips and I pull myself into a dark cave where the walls are lined with questions. Some of the questions skirt around contemplation. " How would you end your life if you couldn't handle the fantasy that this book has created?" It would be quick.
Only almost another hour until i'm on the road to the bookstore. If the books aren't there, I'll have to wait another day. I think I can be patient.
...
They were there. And so it begins again.
No comments:
Post a Comment