it's never over.

I'm at home now, hanging out with Obi looking at magazines that have accumulated on my dresser. I'm pretty dissapointed with myself. I shouldn't have let any of this get to me , and I shouldn't have called people mean things on my previous post. I should have just stood up for myself, but i'm still working on growing into that. Maybe if I was paying for all of this it would have made it seem better...but my parents are paying for it and I just feel like I take advantage of them by letting everyone use my things, with the exception of my art supplies. I get yelled at massively for overusing my stuff sometimes, and it's usually because I let someone else use it...and when that happens, I can't blame anyone but myself. I'm pretty weak in the emotion department. I usually try to keep to myself, I hate confrontation, I can't say no, and I feel like I deserve more respect then I get. Sometimes I just wish death upon myself because I feel like I can't deal with simple everyday things, such as saying no. I feel like I whine too much and that I talk too much. Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to talk. I thought about giving up this blog and starting something secret. I feel like I can never be good enough. That I can't live up to my parents standards, that I'll never be as great as any of my friends are, that i'll never have enough knowledge to answer a question that makes everyone in class wish they could have said it. Or that my art could never be as great as anyone else's in class. I feel completley useless, like I don't deserve anything. I feel like I don't work hard enough. And I feel like some people could benefit from me not being in their lives. Generally...I'm a pretty lonely person who feels like her existence is no longer needed but by her brother and her cat. I pretty much feel like I can't do anything. Check. I'm a dissapointment. I'm a whinner, and I can't stand myself. My blog is my trustworthy dependent. And I love Obi Wan.